


From Maximum Carnage to Kitty Pajamas

by ModernWizard



Series: The Happy Famverse [11]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Because they're hilarious, COME ON DOCTOR!!!!!, EMT shears, Explanation of how D/M went from mostly canonical s12 to current state, F/M, Fluff, From the Simm era, Hairballs?!, Her cooking is inspired but idiosyncratic, Hostile licorice, Humor, Kigurumi, Kitty pajamas!!!!!, Leftovers, No actual sex, Other, The Cheetah Planet, The Doctor stole the Master's eggs, The Doctor went to retrieve eggs from the neighbors, The Master being a furry will never cease being hilarious, The Master hates the surveillance state, The Master is a cat, The Master is literally a cat, The red leather collar, Unicorn pajamas too, Who even does that?!, Yaz has a crush on the Doctor, Yaz has a crush on the Master, Yaz hugs the Master!!!!, Yaz's type is "genderfucking and morally compromised Time Lord", Yeah let's call it idiosyncratic, yeah that one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23786548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernWizard/pseuds/ModernWizard
Summary: The Master is trapped in kitty pajamas. He explains to Yaz how he and the Doctor got from the whole Timeless Kid debacle to their current happier state. Yaz thinks Time Lord sex involves tentacles [?!]. The Doctor has a rainbow unicorn kigurumi. Look me in the face and tell me I'm wrong!!!!
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan), Yasmin Khan & The Master (Dhawan)
Series: The Happy Famverse [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694899
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	From Maximum Carnage to Kitty Pajamas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [natalunasans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/natalunasans/gifts).



> Inspired by [_Sexting [or Not] With the Doctor._](http://archiveofourown.com/works/23726233) Again thanks to @natalunasans for kigurumi inspiration. Anyone want to actually see these two dumbasses in their furry pajamas? I may have incriminating visual evidence... LMK in the comments.

_[INT. THE DOCTOR’S TARDIS. YAZ, with her patchwork bag over her shoulder, enters the control room.]_

YAZ: Hello? Doctor? Master? Fam? Anyone? _[No answer. YAZ closes the door behind her and checks the console by the time rotor. She finds a note stuck to one of the levers and reads it aloud.]_ “Gave them some eggs next door. Now have to get them back. Turns out you don’t just give people eggs randomly because you think they need them. They have to ask first. Also you can’t throw them. In case they’re not ready to catch. (They weren’t ready to catch.) Guess I have some explaining to do LOL!” Ewww! Doctor! Ah, what the hell. That’ll keep her busy for a while.

_[YAZ walks from the console room to the living room. She sits on a sofa upholstered in a dark blue starry sky emblazoned with rainbow shooting stars. She removes her needle felting supplies — needle, roving, block of foam, pattern — from her bag. She begins to work.]_

_[The sound of jingle bells, accompanied by disgruntled muttering, emanates from down the hall. YAZ raises her head, puzzled.]_

_[The noisemaker appears. It’s THE MASTER in the black cat kigurumi that THE DOCTOR said that she would get him back when he was undercover as Agent O. A (very familiar red leather) collar with a bell is strapped around his neck, keeping the hood with the kitty ears up. Scrabbling at the collar like...well...an irritated cat and cursing, he stalks into the living room, yawning. He’s obviously just woken up.]_

THE MASTER: Where’s the fucking Doctor?

YAZ: Next door, I think. Something about recycling eggs. _[Stifling giggles.]_ What’s your problem?

THE MASTER: She put this stupid jingly collar on me when I was sleeping, and now I can’t get it off. GAAHHHHGGGKKHH. _[Exaggerated gasping, choking sound, though he is clearly not asphyxiating.]_ I am going to strangle her just like this stupid thing is strangling me. Stupid — strangly — jingly — jangly — thing! GGGRRRRRR! _[He vibrates with annoyance. Jingle jingle jingle!]_

YAZ: Why not claw her? Or cough up hairballs on her?

THE MASTER _[narrowing eyes at YAZ]_ : HHHHHHhhhhhHHHHhhhhhh.

YAZ: Tee hee.

_[With a disdainful glance, THE MASTER sweeps into the kitchen, muttering. Sounds of cabinets opening and food preparation intersperse the swears. After a minute, YAZ sets down her felting supplies and follows. Leaning in the doorway, she watches as THE MASTER ransacks the fridge.]_

THE MASTER _[turning around with an empty egg carton]:_ Look! An empty carton! _An empty carton!_ She put an empty carton back in the fridge. _[He waves it at YAZ. The cartoon has written on it COME ON DOCTOR!!!!! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT THESE WERE YOUR EGGS??!!??!!]_ She took all my eggs, did Rassilon knows what with them, and stuck the empty carton back in the fridge. Honestly! What kind of rude, uncivilized weirdo even does that? I can’t believe she did that! Well, I _can_ believe it because she just did it, and I’m holding the evidence right here in my hand. But why would she do that? Just to annoy the shit out of me? _[Frowns at sky, scratches under collar. Jingle jingle.]_ Yeah, probably just to annoy the shit out of me. ‘S why she does most stuff.

YAZ: Ah, young love. _[Rolls eyes.]_ It’s a beautiful thing. I think she was giving eggs to the neighbors without realizing that you only did that if they asked first, so she went to get them back.

THE MASTER: Tighter! Tighter! How did this stupid thing get _tighter?_ I am going to kill her. _Kill!!!_

YAZ: You’re probably pulling it tighter. 

THE MASTER: Oh. Hm. Right. Yeah. Good point. _[Flicks bell dismissively. Ringaling! Launches egg carton into recycling bin, turns attention to fridge, pulls out glass container of leftovers, pops lid, sniffs contents.]_ What is this? _[Extends container to YAZ.]_ Any idea? ‘Cause I don’t have any idea.

YAZ _[sniff sniff]:_ Oh yeah. That’s the Cornish game hen thing that she tried to make out of cashews and potato peels and some kind of purple alien leaves. _[Beat.]_ Four weeks ago. It was really good back then, but I’m not sure if — _[Breaks off, as THE MASTER is already forking it quickly into his mouth.]_ Okay, never mind.

_[Munch munch munch. Jingle jingle jingle. Munch munch munch.]_

YAZ: Hey, can I ask you something?

THE MASTER _[eyebrow]_ : You can ask me anything you want. I reserve the right not to answer it, though. Or to cough hairballs on you.

YAZ: So...you like cats.

THE MASTER: Do I like cats? I don’t know. Do I? Well, yeah, I suppose I do, but that’s also like — also like asking you if you like humans. I mean — _do_ you like humans? I suppose you could say that you do because you are one, but, in that case, is it really _liking_ them? Or is it more just sticking with others that are like you?

_[YAZ thinks while THE MASTER washes his breakfast dishes in the sink.]_

YAZ: Are you saying that you’re a cat/Time Lord hybrid?

THE MASTER _[darting suspicious look at YAZ, then returning attention to dishes]_ : If I said yes, would you laugh at me?

YAZ _[coming closer, smiling more confidently]_ : Well, I would, but that’s because of your pajamas, not what you said.

THE MASTER _[turning around, hopping up to sit backward on edge of sink, smiling]_ : And _that’s_ my Yaz, the one who tells it like it is! Anyway, fair enough, fair enough. So...yeah. You guessed right. Meow meow, purr, hiss, _[hawking up hairball noise]._ Cat/Time Lord hybrid. Sort of. Kind of. Maybe? Or could be I’m just sick. Well, we know I’m sick and twisted….

YAZ _[moving closer till she’s right beside him]_ : Oh. Wow. Does that, like, make things difficult? I mean — are you okay? You’re...sick?

THE MASTER: You worry an awful lot about me for someone who isn’t the Doctor, don’t you? Ah well. _[Waves hand dismissively.]_ I know — I know — it’s because you love me. And I’m not mocking you. Don’t think I am! Because it’s flattering and I like it. Who wouldn’t? My ego can _always_ get bigger.

YAZ: Eurgh… Why do I have a crush on someone who knows it and gets off on it?!

THE MASTER: Because I’m irresistibly beautiful and charismatically compelling! _[Beat.]_ Also because your type is ‘genderfucking, morally dubious Time Lord.’

YAZ _[sneering at him, but very mildly]:_ I hate you.

THE MASTER: No, you don’t, and we both know it. But wait. What were we talking about? Genderfucking? Getting off? Hairballs? Getting off on hairballs? Yuck. _[Full-body shudder of disgust.]_ In any event, it’s not like I’m sick, more like I’m a carrier. It’s a virus that I contracted from staying too long on a planet that eventually turns visitors into cats. Don’t worry. I’m not contagious. It’s dormant in my system, and it doesn’t really do anything. Hah hah, no. Wait. I lied. I do have a tendency to purr when I’m really relaxed or sleepy. 

YAZ: Okay, that is like the cutest thing ever.

THE MASTER: I also rip out the throats of people who tell me I’m cute. 

YAZ: Never mind! Forget I said anything!

THE MASTER: Anyway, the Doctor obviously likes to give me shit _[jingle jingle],_ but that’s rather minor in the grand scheme of things.

YAZ _[chin in hand, staring at the floor]_ : Huh. Wow.

THE MASTER: What?

YAZ: I’m just thinking about the _change_ you went through. 

THE MASTER: Except I didn’t. Tah dah! _[Arms out to sides.]_ Still 100% me, still 100% hairball-free! _[Beat.]_ Despite the virus’s best efforts. Blech. Ow. _[Runs tongue along teeth.]_ Those fangs were _not_ cool. _[Shudders in memory. Jingle jingle!]_ Also those golden eyes did _not_ go with my complexion. _[Leans confidentially over to YAZ.]_ I was the color of mayonnaise. It wasn’t my best period, appearance-wise, but let’s keep that between ourselves, shall we?

YAZ: No, I didn’t mean cats. I meant more of the change in scale. You two went from chasing each other across time and space, fighting wars, taking over planets, and fucking up all sorts of shit to, uh, sleepovers _[giggling]_ with kitty pajamas.

THE MASTER _[folding arms]_ : I’ll have you know that the Doctor has a unicorn one.

YAZ: She does? Of course she does! _[Beat.]_ It’s such a difference, though, isn’t it? So much less is at stake now. I got the sense that you liked the huge disasters and all. Maximum carnage, the end of the world, that sort of thing. Do you ever feel a letdown these days?

THE MASTER _[jumping off the counter, pacing in front of YAZ]_ : Listen, love. The Doctor and I — we used to hate ourselves for wanting each other. And it was so easy for us to shove that hatred outward. _[Pushes hands away from chest with violent swiftness.]_ I’d hurt people _[mimes cuffing someone on the head]_ and blow shit up — BOOOM! _[mimes an explosion]_ — because — because — because that was easier than owning up to what we felt. 

YAZ: Oh. Yeah. I can see that. There was this one girl who called me all sorts of names — ‘paki,’ ‘sand rat,’ ‘burqa,’ because for some reason she thought that was an insult too.

THE MASTER _[cocking head, making faces at ceiling, as he thinks]_ : Same principle, I suppose, on which ‘bluestocking’ is an insult for an intellectual White woman.

YAZ: Yeah, only racist. Anyway, this girl yelled at lots of people, not just me, and we all knew that her mum yelled at her in exactly the same way. That didn’t make it okay at all, but it sort of made sense. She was treated like shit, so she just treated other people like shit because — well, that was easiest.

THE MASTER: Ah yes, the vicious circle of life. Then...well...there was that time under the rubble. I don’t know how much she’s told you about what went down on Gallifrey, after I pulled her through that anomaly into the capital dome. _[Abruptly turns to YAZ.]_ So refresh my memory — what happened before the Doctor sent all you humans home because she wanted a showdown with just me?

YAZ: Um...well...we and some of the resistance were on the Cyber carrier, trying to stop it. But then you called up Ashad and told him to take over Gallifrey because all the Time Lords were gone. We went through the anomaly, escaped from the ship, met up with the Doctor. She said that she’d been in the Matrix with you or something? Whatever. It obviously wasn’t like the movie. Anyway, yeah, the Doctor wanted to take you on by herself because she’s _stupid_ like that sometimes, so she kicked us out. 

THE MASTER: Ah hah, yes, right right right. _[Wags fingers, bounces on toes as he recalls.]_ While we were in the Matrix — kind of like the Time Lord Internet, by the way, only millions of years older and million of times more sanctimonious — I showed her some seriously disturbing secrets that I’d discovered about the foundations of our society. After that I was so — I was so — I was so _[shaking]_ — just — so — fucking — fuming — FURIOUS that I told Ashad to come on down and take over the fucking planet. I’d just kind of forgotten one simple, small, minuscule detail: Gallifrey was full of people who didn’t want to hand it over to the Cyber army. Oops. Tiny oversight! _[Covers mouth, cringes while shrugging.]_

YAZ: That’s because not everyone on Gallifrey was a Time Lord, right?

THE MASTER: Precisely. Our social caste was a very small number of ruling elites — maybe kind of like your royal family or your landed gentry. They were gone, but everyone else — subjects, commoners, civilians, proletariat, lab rats, cannon fodder, whatever you wanna call ‘em — was still there. While the Doctor was trying to get all up in my business, the commoners were trying to get the Cyber army all _out_ of their business. _[Starts twirling like an ice dancer, but more raggedly.]_ War, casualties, destruction, et cetera, et cetera, and the Citadel caved in on us. WHAM!! _[Quits twirling, staggers, collapses to kitchen floor, on his back, limbs splayed, not unlike that time he was ice cream drunk.]_ We were trapped under the rubble for three days.

YAZ _[tapping her chin]:_ She did say something about that. At first we were all like, ‘Why the fuck are you hanging around with this bastard again?!’ And she was like, ‘Those three days, we talked a lot. We thought a lot. We have an agreement now. We’re going to be different — better — both of us. Living up to our names for real this time.’ What does that mean?

THE MASTER: We had nothing else to do, so yeah — we talked ourselves dry. _[Rolls to side, jumps into squat, stands up. Jingle jingle!]_ What if we admitted that we — gasp! _[fingers pressed to lips]_ — really wanted each other? What if we did our best to be happy with each other? What if we lived up to our own names — the Master, who knew and governed himself and his desires, and the Doctor, who tended and healed her own wounds? What if we did better?

YAZ _[taking an eager step forward]_ : Ohhhhhhh. ‘I am the master of my fate; / I am the captain of my soul.’ Like that, huh?

THE MASTER _[nodding]:_ Yes yes yes, exactly! _[Clapping a few times.]_ ‘Physician, heal thyself.’ _[Beat.]_ ‘First, do no harm.’ You know — actually being Hippocratic about the whole Doctor thing for once. 

YAZ: Instead of hypocritic?

THE MASTER: Hah hah hah! Hippocratic instead of hypocritical. I like it. I like it. Good good good. 

YAZ: And it’s...um...working, from what I can tell. You’re both, uh, behaving yourselves.

_[THE MASTER chuckles low in his throat at that. He stops bouncing. In fact, he goes rather still, head cocked, attending his interior conversations, his eyes moving everywhere.]_

THE MASTER: The violence — gave me a little buzz, right here, in my hearts. Was it what I wanted? No, it wasn’t what I wanted. Could I ever have what I wanted? No! No! Nononono! Stupid me and my stupid stupid stupid selves! _[Rapping knuckles against temples lightly.]_ Be happy with what you’ve got, you colonized, conquered, indoctrinated _thing_ . You’re broken. Mad. Pathetic. Hopeless. Unsalvageable. Unwanted. Abandoned. Alone. You don’t deserve anything more. You deserve _nothing!_

YAZ: Awwwww, Master! No. _[Touches him on the arm.]_

_[THE MASTER is silent. He shakes slightly, but with an involuntary tremble. Staring at the floor, he blinks and blinks and blinks, quickly, forcefully, deliberately.]_

THE MASTER _[voice soft and sure]:_ There’s no letdown, Yaz, because — because — because — I have — I’m happy. It’s enough — more than enough! More than I ever thought I could — I possess the Doctor, and she possesses me. This is the happiest I’ve ever — and the only disappointment would be losing it...losing her...losing everything...losing myselves. _[He’s crying, eyes closed.]_

_[YAZ gives THE MASTER a comforting hug. He doesn’t notice for a while. He continues to shake and cry. YAZ pats his back.]_

YAZ: It’s okay. You won’t. That won’t happen. She loves you _sooooooo_ much. And you’re doing something different this time — really different. And you’re committed, and it’s working.

_[Opening his eyes and sniffling, THE MASTER raises his head. He realizes that YAZ is holding onto him. His nostrils flare slightly as his eyebrows go up...and up...and up.]_

THE MASTER: Love, I know you love me, but why are you...hugging...me?

YAZ _[detaching and stepping back]:_ Well, you looked like you needed one, so I was giving you one.

THE MASTER: Hmmm, yes, looks like the homicidal Space Fascist is crying! Awww, poor thing. I’ll give him a hug because, you know, that’s what always makes Space Fascists feel better. What the hell? _[Shrugs, bobs head, laughs.]_

YAZ: Uhhhhhh...what? Fascists? Should I not have done that? I’m sorry — I just — 

THE MASTER _[turning to YAZ, waving hands]:_ No, don’t worry. You just have an interesting thought process is all. Very outside of the box. _[Fluttering hands generally.]_ Most humans aren’t like, ‘You know what? That batshit homicidal psychopath just needs a hug.’ But no. I like you. I like the way you think. _[Taps temple, grins.]_ It’s just very different.

YAZ: So... _not_ offended?

THE MASTER: Naaaaaah, just amused.

YAZ _[throwing hands up]:_ Well, you’re my friend! I care about my friends. What do you _want_ me to do? _[THE MASTER walks back and forth, hands behind back, seriously considering this. A smile moves across his face.]_ You know what? Forget I said that! You’re probably gonna say something pervy. Or kinky. Or both.

THE MASTER _[stopping in front of her, holding up two fingers]_ : Two things. First, you could listen. I don’t really have a lot of people interested in doing that. _[Cockeyed, self-deprecating smile.]_

YAZ: Oh! _[Recognizing that he’s actually making a genuine request, she smiles.]_ Yeah! Of course! I’ll totally listen! I mean — you do the same for me. That’s what friends are for, right? Uh...well...unless it’s about your sex life. I’d really rather not hear about that.

THE MASTER: Why would I even tell you about that? It’s much more entertaining to leave it to your perverted little imagination! _[Eyebrow boink.]_ Heh heh heh.

YAZ: Are you like reading my mind and laughing about it?!

THE MASTER: No! The surveillance state has already invaded people’s lives to a disgusting degree. It’s very sneaky — how they make you colonize your own mind with the coercive regulatory powers of the capitalist hegemony. _[Turning pointer fingers against temples like drill bits.]_ And, since I’m making an effort to be more postcolonial these days, I stay out of other people’s heads. Anyway, no — no mind reading. I’m reading your body language, and some of your suppositions are freakin’ hilarious. Especially the one about the _[snickering]_ tentacles.

YAZ _[making a face at him]:_ Yeah, well, your cat pajamas are freakin’ hilarious.

THE MASTER: Second, make yourself useful. Find some EMT shears, and cut this fuckin’ collar off me. _[Sorting through silverware drawer.]_ I thought she had EMT shears in here. She _should_ have EMT shears in here! Why doesn’t she have EMT shears in here?

YAZ _[looking in another drawer]:_ Um, because they’re for cutting clothes off of people in an emergency, and you don’t need to do that in the kitchen?

THE MASTER: Ahhh, tsk tsk tsk _[shaking head sadly],_ you poor innocent individual. You haven’t watched the Doctor cook enough, have you? Nine times out of ten, everything’s fine and dandy, just a little weird in the taste department. But the tenth time — well, that’s when you’re hacking yourself free from some hostile licorice laces and thanking your lucky stars that you had the shears.

YAZ: Hostile...licorice?! By the way _[holds up shears],_ I found ‘em. They were in the nutcracker drawer.

THE MASTER: Ah good. Cut me loose!


End file.
